U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
