I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
