She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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