His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
