No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
