I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
