Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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