so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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