some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
