You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
