Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
