i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
