Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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