You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
