he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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