Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
