my phone needs a breathalizer
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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