Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
