On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
