There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
