Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
