Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
