So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
