she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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