You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
