She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How's work?
Spinning.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
