I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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