I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
