I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
