Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
