I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
