I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
