dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
