dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
