They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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