I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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