So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
