I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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