I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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