I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
