booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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