I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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