see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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