So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
even my farts smell like vagina
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
