"it" just moved
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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