K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
