so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
