Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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