i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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