they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
