this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's shark week go big or go home
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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