She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
