I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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