Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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