dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
