it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
