Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
