I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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